Why does a narcissist act like it's nothing when they hurt you?
07.06.2025 15:42
This is the question we all have teied to wrap our heads around. I have come to the conclusion that it really comes down to a few things.
work on you and youll find someone who wants you in their life without the mind games, the sadness, the lonelieness, the anxiety and toxicity
Fact: you are looking to find the good in them while they coukdnt be more opposite. They are looking for the fkaws in you. How can the two of you find a fluidity if both are not on the same page.
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thank god you are not like them so let them go
Cognitive dissonance due to their dr hekyl mr hyde switch. Where did that person go. You may start noticing they lie, omit, they play mind games and create arguements, ruin holidays or do things where thibgs feel shadey or not right. While you are unaware they are hiding their affairs, their porn addiction, they left the intimacy of the relationship to self gratify and your needs are not being met
First off, you have to look through a different lens. When you dont have a personality disorder you are caught off guard because you dont think, process, digest info like they do. They do not have empathy, they do not have impulse control. They react from a core of shame and they have egos that need to fed.
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so the anger or for some rage is a primal go to emotion for them. Of course they do not possess emotional intelligence or attachment so you see them irritable because they cant communicate what is going in in their head. Theyld rather avoid or blane shift, anything to let you know they are just bot able to adult. They often say they are bored. They are restless, they split off from the relationship and make sure you take the blame for this.
narcs have one thing in common object they lack object constancy
None of us walked into a relationship thinking the one you are vulnerable with and want to grow together spiritually emotionally sexually and mentally is a big old nothing burger or coke zero. We did not understand whonir what we were getting invilved with. If we had a crystal ball we sure as hell woukd not have signed up for how it unfolded.
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like i said you dont have a personality disorder so how would you understand the almost impossible. Being with them is like living in a vaccum seperated from sanity and calmness. You forget how normal people act, bond, share, love and a healthy secure person wont punish you for god knows what trigger set them off this time.
you work harder in the relationship. They dont care. You may fall for their victimhood presentation or you intuitively know something with them is off. You twist yourself into pretzels trying to fix or heal them so you have a relationship that doesnt feel like a car going forward wiith square wheels.
find yourself some healing
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forgive yourself
so why do they act like they dont care? Because they dont. They have a verry limited window for you as a transaction and that hurts. It hurts to think you gave your pearls to a pig. You get angry you wasted how much time only to realize their is nothing in your power that will fix it. It was never your place to fix what was already broken long before you arrived.
so this causes friction. The water and oil arent mixing. The relationship will inevitably fall into conflict because you paird with a person who truly does not have the capacity to grow and mature in the relationship.
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the truth is they cant be fixed. You cant pray the barc away and no therapist is going to be able to help save your relationship
their is nothing you can do that will fix what was already broken and its not your fault.
how sad while you were lost in thought about something they did or said that made you feel special and it makes you feel special or needed. While if you took a snapshot inside their head they are thinkibg of the next hook up, the next person to exploit, the next shiniest object or thing that gives them validation. Once your devalued they are on a huby for whatever is going to give them the next rush the next hit of supply that validates their entitlement.
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sometimes with a trauma bond not only do you want to fix them but you want them to fix you. You believe only they can fix you or that youll never find soneone like them. Maybe after the discard you replay in your head how if you coukd just do one more round with them theyll have a come to jesus moment. Or maybe if you hust changed ir lost weight or made mire money. Maybe if you just gave them more soace or less. Maybe if you had just swallowed your feelings and not brought up how they are hurting you , you coukd have made it work. Maybe they just dont realize how much you love tgem. Maybe if you went on a great vacation or did the freaky sexual things that conpromised your values they would have stayed. Nope
so you do what we all did you fight for the relationship and they already have an eye on the exit door. Most of us dont even realize they have leftcthe relationship long before you have figured that out.
for them they have a superficial and shallow outlook in life and operate as others have been so quick to point out they do not bond.
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naturallly you address this and they become angry with you. They dont eant to admit they are not who you think they are. You are feeling anxious, worn out because the goid times are being outweighed by the bad times. Yet you stay because you feel the relationship is salvagable and they arent interested in thst because they dont think they have done anything wrong. Most narcs pathology will not allow them to introspect. They fight accountability and responsibility.
while you see them through your lens as a whole person wether they are in your bed, at work, visiting , eating out and like i said earlier we see them as perfectly flawed lime wr are in the beginning but they only see things in you where you dont meet their 10/10 perfection criteria.
you deserve better you have to believe that
The intermittant reinforcement has now formed a trauma bond. Your mind is starved for normalcy, love, affection, calmness, joy, and you cant or wont admit that the person who said they loved you has managed to funnel you into a one sided relationship where you are not on equal ground and this is that friction.
so while your self is grounded in recipriocity, love, giving, nurturing, caring, are mindful of relationship goals and loyalty your narc coukd care less about such things. So when you feel like you are alone in a one sided relationship - you are.
over time the nask slips and you miss the person you first met , the person who groomed you, they may have love bombec you, they tried to mirror you or be the person you want them to be. The relationship deteriorates and you become devslued from the idealisation phase. You feel
love yourself
you may or may not have identified they are on their ohones or on the net scouring for the next person who will bring them fresh supply because now they see you as weak, needy, clingy, or too emotional when in fact the truth is they have set your relationship on self detonate.
They get angey because the red flags are not going away. They may try to use the silent treatment or bread crumbing or stone walking or future faking - they deploy all these tactics to jeep you in control and off balance
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the truth is the relationship was off the rails from the start. We may even saw a little white lie or a red flag from the beginning in the first three months or so but they are quick to throw you off. You had no idea they were studying you. They begin to know your stengtgs and weaknesses bettercthen you do and yes they weaponize these things.
So when you get up in the morning your focus isnt self entitlement. Your needs arent focussed on how do you gain benefit , remain in control and go through life with a mask on trying to conceal the wounded creatures that they are. They dont want you to discover they are cowardly and fragile, the mask tries to stuff all this down deep
they act like nothing is happened aftercthey hurt you because they truly dont think they have done anything wrong. They have built up an impenetrable wall of maladaptive coping mechanisms and no apathy. No desire to change or make ammends.
Why is the covert narcissist actively avoiding me when they see me everyday?
Again when you see how they operate through their lens , youll understand better why it feels the way it does with no closure no logic no reasoning no desire to do beeter by you.